On Seeing Only Half the Picture (and the Pizza)

I had to work at home today, and by the time for the evening meal had come around, I was feeling quite itchy to get out of the house. But when I asked if he'd like to go out tonight, my son informs me, like the diligent student he is, that he has a lot of homework, so going out wouldn't be such a good idea. Well, can't argue with that, now, can I?

But I had my heart set on a good sit-down meal out. I did, I did, I DID!! But that was not What Was. So, I did the next best thing and went online to our favorite pizzeria, and I punched in my order for our pizza. But, I wasn't paying close attention to what I was doing (still grumbling about having to eat at home). I thought I had smartly checked off my son's toppings on one side, and mine on the other. However, in my not paying attention, I set myself up for a big surprise.

I had a bit of food shopping to do, so I shopped while the pizza cooked, then picked it up on the way home. Be the time I got home, it was already after 8 p.m. (much later than I should be eating) and my blood sugar's crashing and I'm still cranky about eating at home (desire can be a persistent thing!). I had managed to get closer to the moment during my drive to the grocery, enjoying what was really a lovely evening... sunny, warm, breezy. I could not believe how hard it was to enjoy my favorite time of year!

So I get home, only to find my son on the game console.

"What's up? Did you finish your homework already?" I asked.

"Hear me out: I don't have the book with me that gives me the formula I need to complete my science assignment."

More irritation! I could have eaten out! Oh, but universal law was not finished with me yet!

Finally got the groceries put away, and some drinks poured for dinner. I hear my son say, "so what's up with the half cheese pizza and all these toppings on one side?"

I come striding out of the kitchen, inflamed further by the "stupid pizza people's total lack of awareness when following the order" followed by a long series of uncompassionate epithets. My son went into a little mock entitlement, "Give them a call back dad. Tell them they screwed up and they have to deal with it now. Make them bring us a new pizza!" and he kept on prattling about it until I had to interrupt him. He was simply reflecting my somewhat out-of-control mind at that moment, as kids often do.

"Hold on! I think I know what happened."

Grumpily, I went back to the office and pulled up the old order on my computer (the blessing/curse of internet pizza). There it was, plain as can be:

 I had checked "left side" for each of the toppings... my son's and my own. They had delivered exactly what was requested. A Polarized pizza.

I pulled what toppings of his I could onto his now-naked half of the pizza, put some more pepperoni on it, and popped it into the oven for a few minutes (by this time it had all gotten a little cool).  We managed to enjoy a good pizza meal, despite everything.

My lesson: pay attention. Small mistakes can have rippling effects. I am responsible for pretty much everything that happens in my reality, one way or another, even if I really believe with all my ego's certainty.  It was my spiritual practice, my meditation, which permitted me just enough "space" to recall the confusion that I had glossed over when hastily checking off my topping choices on-line, and I didn't let the blaming get out of hand. 

I wonder how many other things I am unconsciously choosing all the time, by not paying close enough attention to see what's really going on? How often does my reactive mind cloud my clear seeing? The pizza showed me: I was being very "one-sided" in my thinking!

I felt very grateful that I had a record I could refer back to so that I could accurately "blame" myself for my own suffering in this case, rather than continue to hold any ill will towards my teacher for today: the very masterful, to-the-letter pizza joint.

Falling Apart at the Seems

No, that's not a typo. It's a spiritual pun that came to me today that forms a nice little shape into which I can pour my first blog of 2009.

I'm just noting that my ongoing practice of Just Resting is (finally?) allowing me to see an increasing number of those reinforced places in the fabric of my own persona and outlook that block me from seeing things as they Really Are. I guess you could say that he "seems" are falling apart and the light is filtering in.

I'm feeling a bit like Jim Carey's portrayal of Truman Burbank in The Truman Show (1998), as he clambers around the edge of the artificial world that he always thought was real but finally figures out is just a fabricated reality in a huge studio. For his entire life, the crew and staff of this show have poured endless energy into keeping the illusion going that he's living in the 'real world'. Hmmm... gonna have to re-rent that movie again!

By questioning more and more of our worldview, by tugging at loosening threads of the once machine-sewn "seems", the designer clothing of our illusory reality starts to break down. The clothing of our egos starts to fray. Can we tolerate the internal anxiety? Can we stop fighting this evolutionary process and insisting on sewing these "seems" back up with the needle of fear and the thread of comfort? If we can, we will eventually see our True Nature: Naked, Unclothed, Free.

Here's an example of a "seem" that ripped for me just the other day. A co-worker who happens to push my buttons REALLY easily was working with me in close quarters on a project. "Hey, you can do it a lot quicker by doing it this other way," I pointed out, feeling the pressure of the upcoming deadline. Smiling, he took an even LONGER route around the software, as if delighting in seeing me fluster up as he refused to submit to my control patterns.

I've seen him do this in the past, and have walked out of the room sometimes due to his "seemingly" uncooperative and oppositional behavior -- steam coming out my ears. But this time. This time: I caught it. I paid attention to everything going on. I saw that he was actually GRINNING as he ignored my suggestion and went to a length to "rip my seems," so to speak. I also saw that I wanted to make things go faster to put an end to my fear that we would not finish on time. He, however, was much more in the moment and just enjoying the process.

"You're just doing that to yank my chain, aren't you?" I noted incredulously, a smile breaking out on my own face.

"What me? Would I do that?" he replied, breaking out into a cackle. If we were 13 I would have punched him in the arm, hard. Even so, I was grateful and delighted.

He was giving me a zen pointing out instruction, right there! We both laughed really hard. I was free of that frustration pattern with him. I had let go. It felt good.

So I'm learning... the louder the ego shouts out about something, the more it's a sign that it's a time to reconsider how things "seem." Perhaps that's not how things really are. Perhaps?

As we slow down the reactive processes through regular practice of some form of letting the mind rest, we gain capacity to challenge the familiar, well-justified patterns of our "I-sense" and look again with other eyes.

My experience is that this increasing contact with this unified field makes it safer and safer for the ego to simply stand down and to let things "fall apart at the seems." It's worth it!

Sew Be It!

Dharma Walker

The Runny Nose Sutra (If The Buddha Got Sick)

This past week or two, for me, seems to be a concentrated lesson about the dharma of illness and physical health. Everywhere I turn in the past fortnight, the theme seems to come back over and over, through my own experience and those around me.

I had the wonderful privilege to experience nearly a week of nearly immobilizing back pain, followed by another week of bronchitis/asthma which opened my experience to the feeling of not getting enough air. Days later, I was deeply moved as my teacher agreed to take my phone call, even though he had to lie down during the call and cut it short due to his own bout with some kind of flu.

All my siblings rallied over email this week to get my ailing father (now nearly 70) a special 'senior cellphone' that had big buttons, in case he got lost while running an errand alone. My best friend called me Tuesday afternoon, letting me know she'd been throwing up all afternoon, and would need a companion to help her get to the emergency room to get fluids, since nothing was staying down. She's of a Buddhist mindset as well, so we had an interesting seven-hour field trip through the American emergency care system. That could be it's very own blog entry.

And another dear friend is 2,000 miles away called and shared some stories of helping get her mother ready to die as consciously as possible. My brother's wife finally got the news from Malaysia that her sister had finally passed on from her long bout with cancer.

I promise you, I'm not making any of this up in editorial license! I also don't mean to wax too heavy, either... samsara just seems so real at times, doesn't it? Sometimes our reality just screams with one of the great teachings, as if the Universe existed just for our own benefit and learning!

I don't know about you, but I really enjoy a good Dharma story. Spiritual teaching stories pervade nearly all cultures and all time periods, and form one of the oldest teaching tools ever. I guess you could say I started getting deeper into Buddhism as a "Listener", but not in the traditional sense. No, I became quickly an avid consumer of "Podcast Buddhism." Without leaving my home town, I heard Buddhist lectures from all over the world.

But you know, in the hundreds of hours of talks I have listened to, I have not yet heard the story about the talk the Buddha gave to his disciples as he was all curled up under his bodhi-blanket, his nose running, with a fever, chills, and the runs. I mean, he MUST have fallen ill once or twice in 40 years of walking all over India! What was he like in those moments? Did he get cranky? Did he take medicine? We'll never know, as those stories don't seem to inspire listeners to Enlightenment quite as quickly, so not even great sages thought to write them down for us.

Despite the conspicuously missing "Running Nose Sutra", we still have considerable teaching and guidance on working with pain and ill-health. What is interesting is how hard it is to remember these teachings when you are actually sick! Being ill I think brings up more patterned behavior than almost anything else, besides maybe sex and food.

My question for the Medicine Buddha: does it create suffering to want health and feel aversion to sickness? Is eating well and exercising just a very clever cover-up for the fear and loathing of sickness and death? How about taking medicine? Why take it? I guess that stops some suffering... sometimes it brings more. The suffering doesn't really come from our bodies, it seems. It may come more from our expectations that we "should be" healthy, or our insistence that we did nothing to "deserve this illness," or any of a hundred and eight other possible stories that in and of themselves cause us much more suffering than the actual physical symptoms of our disease.

At best, we might be permitted to desire good health, if we but dedicate it to the service of all sentient beings. For if we do not have health, we cannot do much for the suffering of others (except perhaps increase it by coughing on them).

But the truth is I am not quite there yet. I still want good health for myself, so I can move fast again, look good, stay up late on the computer, have sex, eat cheese, or any other myriad of daily activities that I have taken for granted in my delusional moments of good health that we mysteriously assume will last forever.

So in dealilng with this last go-round of my own illness, I was blessed in both my back issue, and this breathing issue, forced me to slow down -- to admit my real capacity in that moment.

In the past, before I had Dharma teachings available, I would do whatever I could to escape the discomfort of being ill. I'd take medications, I'd get mentally busy so I wouldn't feel my body. I'd look up all kinds of alternative health fixes to get out of this horrible state of not-health as soon as possible. I often pushed myself very hard to "get through". To an outside observer, I appeared to be someone who really knew how to take care of their health.

But really, when I sat with it this time, I find I am at a deeper level, someone who was very afraid of the vulnerability of being ill, and with all the Stories that go off in my head when it occurs. I had to admit I was deeply NOT at peace with the fact of the inevitability of ill health and death. (Bet you want to leave this blog at the moment, yes? Feel that aversion comin' up? Stick with me...)

So this time around, as the back pain was not so bad as to need major painkillers, and the cough was not so bad as to need much more than a humidifier, I decided to just be with it and not push it away. I tell you, for the first day or so, the terror was palpable.

"Hey! You're not putting any effort into FIXING my body!" "Surely," my Fear told me, "this is going to lead to worsening symptoms and probably eventually DEATH!" My very human ego/mind was not at all happy that it could not function like it likes to. No, every spare neuron seemed needed to pay close attention as to how I was moving and holding my body, so as not to worsen the pain. At work, I couldn't seem to think through simple problems, and I had workmates correcting me frequently, and sometimes just outthinking me to the point where I had to slow them down so I could catch up. Very humbling, indeed!

In fact, even as health is returning, if I really give my Direct Experience serious attention, and just simply stop 'checking out' in the myriad of ways my patterns would dictate, I find my "mind" is not what I have sort of assumed it is... this infinitely powerful and ever-chugging machine that processes all of my sensory input into neat little bins of recognizance; an integrated part of my Being that "is my reality". Nope. Now I had something new operating... and it was WATCHING the mind thrash around at its own lack of capacity due to the body's condition.

Hm. if I'm seeing all this frustration and struggle, then all that must not be Me after all. It was like the physical pains and limitations forced the screen to hold a bigger picture somehow. The illness had 'quieted' my body enough so that my Mind was more audible. Plus, a possible low-grade fever didn't hurt things.

I found myself contemplating the changing of all things, and resting in the knowing that this pain would not last forever. I did some metta "taking and sending" to all those that have worse pain than I have, and who have had it for long periods of time. It was difficult to imagine how people survive those kinds of chronic difficulty. But they do, and have, for thousands of years.

I found this helpful this week for emotional stuff, as well. Part of my own emotional nature, and I'm sure many share this, is that I don't seem to always have knowledge of what causes certain mood shifts. For many years, I have these one-day long bouts of depression. Not suicidal or anything, just a heavy, heavy feeling of wanting to go back to sleep or being completely incapable of thinking or doing anything much at all. I have spent many hours trying to find the cause of these, because if I knew the cause, I could then control the feelings and be free of having to experience them. I formulated many really nifty stories to explain the episodes: "I am a sensitive/empathic person and I'm feeling so-and-so's depression," or "it's a dip in my serotonin levels", or "Depression is just anger at self; I have to now sit and contemplate what I got angry at myself about."

But prior to this last episode, my Teacher went through great effort, even with a stopped-up head and with a raging fever, to encourage me to stop storytelling and return to direct experience as much as possible. So, when I felt that familiar curtain of doom fall down around me, I decided to take a totally different approach than I had ever taken.

Normally, like in the physical illness, I'd attempt to just go on as if it were not really happening. I had never realized it before, but in looking at what came up, I realized that I had frequently turned to caffeine or chocolate or even sex to "lift me out" of my depression. Anything to tweak the brain chemicals so I would not feel this awful, heavy feeling. But with the strength of my Teacher's words in my mind, I committed to weathering out this storm, no matter how long it took. I would stay with what was going on in my body and emotions.

It was perfect timing, too, as I had been up until 3pm with my friend at the hospital the night before, so I had taken the day off. I had nowhere to go, really. I got out my Journal, and just started writing down everything I felt. I was amazed to find a rather large paragraph describing some 10 or 15 different things going on in my body.

And when I started feeling into what was happening emotionally, I was surprised at the vast amount of feeling information that was now streaming into my mind, now that I was actually paying attention to it! I think I filled a few pages of longhand, between the pure noting of emotional tones and then moving into the 'story' behind the emotions. I just took notes like a courtroom stenographer, not editing things, not controlling what I sensed.

The feeling of freedom that gradually outweighed the depression was.... well... beyond words! This horrible "place" that I had been running from for like what feels like forever, was now "just another experience"... neither good nor bad. I stayed with the 'storm' all day, up until going to sleep, careful to just watch it and not make attempts to change it. Not surprisingly, I awoke the next morning, as if the entire previous day was a bad dream. The sadness and heaviness was gone from my mind and body, and I had a really great day!

I am very grateful for that dream-day, as it gave me direct experience of the Third Noble Truth, "There is an end to suffering." Compared to previous bouts of this depressive cloud, I would say I did not suffer this time. I noted emotions. I felt body pains and sensations. But the dramatic thrashing, complaining, fretting and whining that had always accompanied these episodes was not present. Instead of being 'sick', I became 'aware' and that shifted everything.

So if I can do this, believe me, so can you. Next time you find yourself visiting a painful physical or emotional place, make a little pact with yourself that "for just one day" to witness your experience as completely as you can, without telling yourself any stories about the illness, without engaging a lot of other people into pity for your condition, or whatever might be your cherished pattern around taking ill. If a day feels like too much, then commit to just an hour to observe first your body, then your emotions, then your mind to see what's going on. Write it down if it would help you, as it did me, keep the focus on the process. Just beware of 'going mental' with it... you have to go into pure 'reporter' mode and not edit what you know, and not try and make it interesting or clever or anything else. It's just "what is."

I hope this story helps you meet your next inevitable meeting with illness with less suffering than the last time.

Some Flashes on Karma and the Ten Non-Virtuous Actions

Over the last few days, I have been listening to the two sessions dedicated to the teachings on Karma, in Ken McLeod's Then and Now podcast series. Even if you think you know what Karma is, I would highly, highly recommend you spend two hours listening to these two podcasts: TAN14 Then And Now (Class) and TAN15 Then And Now (Class).

I'm just going to sound off on some of the most mind-blowing points for me.

First, is the perspective that "cause and effect" is not an effective translation or model for how karma works. It's more of an evolutionary process, like how a seed grows into a sapling and then into a tree. The seed does not cause the tree, but by laws of nature, the seed becomes the tree. There is no morality or even ethics, really, associated with the karmic effects of our actions, words, thoughts, etc. It's simply a fact that certain actions will create more suffering for ourselves and others, and other choices in a given situation will create less suffering for ourselves and others. The point of practice is to learn to see which create the suffering and which do not, and eventually find that we 'put an end to suffering', in other words, no longer act or think in ways that will inevitably grow into something which causes more struggle.

One other key that came through to me was that most of our "non-virtuous" actions are usually reflective of an unwillingness to feel, or an avoidance, of a certain experience. I have lied so that I didn't have to feel the shame of the truth. I responded with harsh, divisive speech because I could not admit I felt overwhelmed and was having trouble coping. One exercise Ken did with his class, is to pick any of the 10 Virtuous Acts with which you have some challenges. Contemplate what experience or feeling you might have been avoiding with that action. He further pointed out that when we avoid a feeling this way, part of the effect of this is to further ingrain the avoidance pattern in our psyche, making it harder the next time to make a choice that will avoid suffering the next time.

One thing that Ken said toward the end of the second lecture struck me like lightning:

"When we take responsibility for our actions, we take responsibility for our reality."

Whoooooaaa. That is a week of meditation in itself! In reflection, I find it to be true. When I find myself in a 'victim mode' of perception, where something has been done 'to' me, I can almost always look back and what previous actions, choices, words have given rise to the situation. Quite often, it's a karmic result of my own 'non-virtuous acts.'

Suddenly I see that list of 10 non-virtuous acts and 10 virtuous acts, which have grown as a standard aspect of the Dharma teachings, are not prescriptive at all, like the Ten Commandments. These are not "Thou Shalt Nots"... they are merely, "These are the things that will cause suffering for you or for others."

I have, for a long time, had sort of a knee-jerk reaction to prescriptive morality, finding a whole chunk of my life has been to act out in opposition to that, to be free from that yoke. However, in doing that, I have caused more suffering in other areas. It's even the reason I haven't fully let go of certain addictions (doesn't even matter which one(s), does it... just insert your favorite addiction here), because they give me a kind of anti-establishment, anti-"morality" experience which I have enjoyed, in a manner of speaking, for many years. It's a way I have asserted my separation from all this mess. Gave me a sense of control that I lacked in so many other areas.

But now, as my practice deepens and widens, I am seeing where the pain is in all of it. I see how life is generally just more difficult with that addiction playing about in my reality. All kinds of forces are set in motion, forces that I did not want to see. These subtle forces all combine to create pain for myself, and for those around me. Not huge pain usually; just actions that could be just ascribed to 'being in a bad mood' or 'going through a rough period'. I let it drag on because it doesn't seem that different than how many people are in the world.

But now, I see that these behaviors not only alter my mood (which is how I was viewing it), but these moods then have ripple effects for days, and some things even grow larger with weeks, and months. They affect my relationship with my son, and my ability to function clearly in the world. Clearly, there is great cause to become as aware of one's actions and how they affect the entire system of life.

I'll end with a relevant paraphrase, again from Ken:

"Once you have thrown the pebble in the lake, there is not much you can do to stop its effects. That is the nature of the thing. However, you CAN stop throwing pebbles!"

Thank you, Ken, for making these podcasts available to the public. I hope many people take advantage of the wisdom there and relieve a little more suffering!

Afterthought: Remember, these words are just my own interpretation, and despite my best efforts, may not reflect Ken's true teaching on these things. Please listen to the podcasts if this sounds intriguing to get a complete presentation. Thanks :)

Fall Down, Wake Up!

Last week, my son celebrated his 12th birthday, and I took him and four friends to the local roller rink for some in-line skating fun. I hadn't roller skated in a long time. I'm a sedentary worker, programmer by trade, so I had some reservations about getting out in the rink myself, tempted to hide behind my laptop.

As a young person, my sibings and I went roller skating often enough that I had gotten fairly good at it. No backwards skating or anything particularly artful, but I could skate fast and at least not fall down! So my inner kid decided we would go roller-skating on this, my own son's 12th birthday.

Tentatively, I got out there just minutes after my son did, and within a short time I had regained my sea legs and remembered how to fire all those neurons in such a way that I could whiz around the rink at a decent clip, navigating the sea of children, likely the oldest person on eight wheels in the building.

Probably an hour later, after having managed to avoid causing any pain for myself or any other skater, I had that fatal moment of self-consciousness. "Wow, I haven't fallen down at all. Not bad." I found a little pride, having enjoyed some side-by-side skating with my son minutes ago. Well, no sooner had I thought that, when a lanky and careening young boy of probably nine or ten "came out of nowhere" and took us both tumbling to the ground.

What a moment.

Yes, I got mad. Well, just internally. He didn't mean to hurt me or knock me down. But it was interesting to watch the ego go off! "He interrupted my smooth flying moment! I had a perfect record until this kid came along! Watch where you're going!" Fortunately, all that came out of my mouth was, "It's okay, I'm alright," I assured him. He was mortified he had brought me down.

I've had an opportunity to reflect on this all week long, as the fall on my hip threw out my 43 year old spine and gave me a bruse the size of a walnut on my hip that took three days to make it to the surface of my skin. The pain was so bad at times, I felt like I was 80 years old. I wish I had a walker a few times.

OK, so end of story, start of contemplation. Physically falling down is one of the most interesting social/psychological moments humans can have. In that moment, all that we are in the world, all we know how to do, all the great accomplishments we might boast disappear in that long moment between when we realize we are going to fall and when we actually hit the ground. In that moment, we meet all other humans in an experience as universal as breathing or getting ill. Our core reflexes take over and our brain attempts to prevent as much bodily damage that it can.

Perhaps it is just me, but I think there's a huge emotional charge around falling down that we never talk about. In fact, falling is generally portrayed as 'funny', and physical comedians have used the pratfall since the beginning to make an audience laugh. But when real people have real falls, most of us gasp inside, and if we happen to be near them, we instinctively, reflexively reach out to help them NOT fall.

I have never seen, and don't think I could handle seeing my either of my parents fall down. It just gives me this odd, internal grief imaginging it. No, it breaks that mythic image of parental stability and coordination. Beyond just our parents, I wonder why we so rarely see 'important' people fall down: our teachers, our civic leaders, our religious figures. Yet, I imagine many of them have. But to imagine, say, Jesus falling down for any reason just seems blasphemous. As blasphemous as having to imagine one of my parents fall down (especially if I had happened to have a friend at my home at the time).

I think falling has something to do with our pride. For some reason, we all agree that falling down is Bad, and is to be avoided. If you are falling, something has "done it to you" because who would ever choose to fall down? So we have great expressions in our language like, to fall from grace, fall into a depression, take the fall for someone, fall ill, fall from power, and fallen woman, to name just a few.

But, as a dharma walker, I have to say that falling down is a great moment to wake up just a little more! It's the litmus test to see how much compassion you REALLY have. How clear your mind REALLY is. Because, in an unexpected fall (especially out in public, if you are fortunate to fall there) will show you your core feelings about yourself, about your ego and how it cares so much about its appearance of balance and grace.

The physical fall is the best, because there is no denying that it has happened, and there is more or less total loss of control in that few moments. But other 'falls' are great places for growth as well.

Like those very private moments when we 'fall short' of our own ideals, and take an action or find ourselves reacting in a way that does not reflect our wisdom. We can still cultivate compassion in those moments. Rather than beat ourselves up for being so "dharmically clumsy," we can take a breath, maybe a little smile, notice we have "fallen down" and recall that falling down is a more or less universal human experience. Not good, not bad, and not a reflection on who you really are at all. Hopefully, we learn something new. We gain a litle more coordination, like a toddler learning to walk (didn't Jesus say something about "being as little children"?). Certainly, if we still hear those all-too-familiar voices of inner critic, or that anger at one's self hammering away (or projected onto some outer conditions), it's a wonderful opportunity, really. Take that fall into contemplation/practice and explore all the ins and outs of falling down and waking up, a dharmic practice experienced by all the buddhas before us, and I'd say after as well.

To Be Online, Or Not to Be Online, That is the Question

Getting started with my first blog has been an interesting internal process, even though it's only a few days old. I get lots of inspiration during the day, LOTS of ideas I want to share or jot down here. But every time I go to write, I find myself "self-conscious." Not at all in the inspired state that birthed both the blog and the ideas throughout the day. So, tired of being blocked there, I decided to write about that sticking place, since that's what's going on right now. And isn't that ultimately what blogging is about?

OK, so I have some time, and I open my blog poster. No longer in the moment, I find my mind trying to grasp at past and futures, to try and make this entry cohesive with all the other entries... to be clever, to be instructive, to be inspiring. I want to appear knowledgeable, holy, smart, wise, experienced, and a good writer and teacher. Of course, the 'I want' tells me: this is gonna hurt, eventually.

Next, I remember my 6th grade English teacher's pithy instruction: "Think of your audience." And yet I have no audience, I've told nobody about this blog. And I'm not sure when I will. I'm just a tree falling in the forest and making no sound. Better that, I think, than extending my ego forces full blast, unconscious, driven by internal forces I don't have time to stop and consider.

What some people find extremely FREEING about the Internet.. the ability to be anyone, to express beyond the confines of your normal life, to try on new personas and ways of being... seem somehow troubling to me, as an aspiring Buddhist. You would think that after 20 years of being online, I would have this figured out and settled in my own being. But hardly.

I was using email when nobody had color screens or graphic systems, and email addresses were sometimes very long strings of words separate by exclamation marks. The internet was a wild, untamed forbidding and beckoning nexus accessible to only for nerds and scientists and military geeks. When you got an email, you always knew it was from a person, and very few were thinking about portraying themselves as something different than they really were. Email, the main online activity, was simply a communication tool that was so much cooler than sending mail by post. I started several successful online, email communities.

Now, of course, all that has gone by the wayside, and 85% of the mail I get isn't from a real person at all, but usually some anonymous company seeking to get me to buy something or look at something or believe that they are real. Thousands, millions of phantom egos wanting attention and money and click-throughs. I too often find myself stuck in this hungry ghost realm aspect of the Internet and want to scream and throw my computer in the garbage can. Maybe this will wake me up.

So here I am, blogging. And all this experience on the internet has seemed to have created my own "on-line ego", which longs for it's day in the sun: linked to by others, winning compliments and kudos from friends for my cleverness and style and the great design of my blog stylesheet. Whoo hoo! THAT will bring me happiness, yes?

Oh, it looks like I am hungry-ghosty too, like those spammers! Ego doesn't like to look at its hunger, so it retorts: "But MY cause is uplifting! MY cause is spiritual. This internet can be a really uplifting and powerful tool to share the dharma! Don't be such a heavy!"

I suppose it can be, and I respect those that see it that way. But I worked hard to wake up this much, and I can't afford to lose my way again.

I am cautious. It is easier to go unconscious (i.e. get lost) on the Internet than anywhere else. For who is watching? There aren't any limits. Very few laws. Do, Be, Say, Share anything you want! Yay, anarchy!! No karma! Can't really hurt anyone here, it's all a big fun game. Pictures! Videos! Blogs! Twitters! Webcams! Personals! The list of cool rides goes on and on and on. Once the digital endorphins kick in, you can see forever.

Ok, off the soapbox. My main goal with this life is to learn about and develop the capacity to SEE THINGS AS THEY REALLY ARE. One question is: can I see things as they really are, if I am not BEING WHO I REALLY AM? And if nobody can tell who I really am, will being just myself MEAN anything? Will everyone assume that I am fronting a false personality and be factoring this in the whole time I am working on being 'real'? What the hell is 'real' anyway in cyberspace?

The skillfulness of 'being yourself' just seems so much more obvious when considering so-called 'real life,' where our actions and words and thoughts seem to have a much stronger effect, and interact with real people. In the realm of physicality, it seems that even among the uninitiated, "being sincere and without pretense" holds some real social value. Such behavior strengthens trust in others and builds friendships. Such behavior shows a maturity that may land one a promotion, or a hiring into a better job. Others can observe you are skillful and so they might learn something from you.

But here in cyberspace, it seems being yourself puts you sort of at the bottom of the pile. The colorful, the loud, the interesting, the most-published and most-read get the props, the clicks, the views. There isn't a way to search for "people being truly, honestly, themselves online with as little masking as possible." People who are simply centered, skillful humans don't get the link. You aren't interesting enough. At best, you just get to be part of the background noise. Seems like the place for those who know/feel that the self is empty, by nature.

So yeah, you can write or be out there for your own process. Great! But with limited time and a busy schedule, what is the point? Wouldn't a diary be equally as effective? Especially as a person learning mindfulness, I have to ask myself, "Why invest time here? Why spend time thinking in words? Wouldn't the time be better spent on the cushion, delving into death and impermanence?" :)

I don't know the answer to that question. I see many good teachers with extensive on-line presences, with more coming online probably every day. Podcasts, websites, blogs. And I myself benefit from them! They are a part of my Dream here! They do increase my awareness and self-knowledge. How crazy can it be?

Yet I wonder if and how long they struggled with this concept of online identity before 'taking the plunge.' Did their students beg them? Did they have a vision where Tara told them to go online and share the Dharma? Did they look at their dwindling inflow from community donations and secretly climb online, half-guilty, hoping to raise their income levels just a bit more? Perhaps, in the Now, none of these concerns is important and they just went online with happiness. Maybe only the false teachers are online, and all the real ones are working in their bonsai shops or sweeping high school classrooms or shining shoes on the street. Maybe this is a big waste of time?

I guess each individual must find their own online raison d'etre, if they decide to be on-line and CONSCIOUS in their life. I think this blog is an exploration of that search, for myself.

After giving this a lot of thought, I am going to use this blog initially as a place to play with 'outing myself'. Of sharing how I find myself "oh so very delightfully imperfect." To demonstrate the deconstruction of my self-patterns. For sharing in ways that show those "owie moments" when the crust is falling off. This is a place to gently out my own rigidity and posture-taking that seems to do its dance daily.

I have an intuitive sense that putting the silliness of my ego-posturing out there (even in cyberspace), will make it easier to not take myself so seriously "In Real Life." [Hey, but won't that expose our lack of wisdom? Who's gonna wanna listen to you when they see how lost you REALLY are? Don't DO that, you'll embarass me! -ego]

The greatest blessings I have received from recent life, has been learning and evolving for myself the "language of letting go." And they say you should teach what you seek to learn, and this, my auspicious friends-who-I-know-not, my cyber-sangha, is something I really want to learn. Half my life wasted already in the millions of masks and defenses and ego rigidities that have not gotten me a damn thing except struggle, and suffering.

Thanks for joining me, however briefly, on this journey. Thanks and prostrations for letting me teach myself how to wake up!

Now it's time to put this body to bed, to prep it for another day of adventure.

Blog on!

Dedication

I'd like to dedicate this wordy bodhi-blog to all beings working on waking themselves up from The Great Sleep, especially my teacher Ken, friends Stacy, Bekah, Anna, Uma, Kaylia, Phoenix, and my son Bryan. Your warm presence in this life reminds me I am never alone.

Thanks also to my many teachers and adversaries who have arrived so perfectly at every point on my path when they were needed. Oh, and of course to my Mother and Father for gifting me this precious human birth, and my family for never stopping the Love.