On Seeing Only Half the Picture (and the Pizza)

I had to work at home today, and by the time for the evening meal had come around, I was feeling quite itchy to get out of the house. But when I asked if he'd like to go out tonight, my son informs me, like the diligent student he is, that he has a lot of homework, so going out wouldn't be such a good idea. Well, can't argue with that, now, can I?

But I had my heart set on a good sit-down meal out. I did, I did, I DID!! But that was not What Was. So, I did the next best thing and went online to our favorite pizzeria, and I punched in my order for our pizza. But, I wasn't paying close attention to what I was doing (still grumbling about having to eat at home). I thought I had smartly checked off my son's toppings on one side, and mine on the other. However, in my not paying attention, I set myself up for a big surprise.

I had a bit of food shopping to do, so I shopped while the pizza cooked, then picked it up on the way home. Be the time I got home, it was already after 8 p.m. (much later than I should be eating) and my blood sugar's crashing and I'm still cranky about eating at home (desire can be a persistent thing!). I had managed to get closer to the moment during my drive to the grocery, enjoying what was really a lovely evening... sunny, warm, breezy. I could not believe how hard it was to enjoy my favorite time of year!

So I get home, only to find my son on the game console.

"What's up? Did you finish your homework already?" I asked.

"Hear me out: I don't have the book with me that gives me the formula I need to complete my science assignment."

More irritation! I could have eaten out! Oh, but universal law was not finished with me yet!

Finally got the groceries put away, and some drinks poured for dinner. I hear my son say, "so what's up with the half cheese pizza and all these toppings on one side?"

I come striding out of the kitchen, inflamed further by the "stupid pizza people's total lack of awareness when following the order" followed by a long series of uncompassionate epithets. My son went into a little mock entitlement, "Give them a call back dad. Tell them they screwed up and they have to deal with it now. Make them bring us a new pizza!" and he kept on prattling about it until I had to interrupt him. He was simply reflecting my somewhat out-of-control mind at that moment, as kids often do.

"Hold on! I think I know what happened."

Grumpily, I went back to the office and pulled up the old order on my computer (the blessing/curse of internet pizza). There it was, plain as can be:

 I had checked "left side" for each of the toppings... my son's and my own. They had delivered exactly what was requested. A Polarized pizza.

I pulled what toppings of his I could onto his now-naked half of the pizza, put some more pepperoni on it, and popped it into the oven for a few minutes (by this time it had all gotten a little cool).  We managed to enjoy a good pizza meal, despite everything.

My lesson: pay attention. Small mistakes can have rippling effects. I am responsible for pretty much everything that happens in my reality, one way or another, even if I really believe with all my ego's certainty.  It was my spiritual practice, my meditation, which permitted me just enough "space" to recall the confusion that I had glossed over when hastily checking off my topping choices on-line, and I didn't let the blaming get out of hand. 

I wonder how many other things I am unconsciously choosing all the time, by not paying close enough attention to see what's really going on? How often does my reactive mind cloud my clear seeing? The pizza showed me: I was being very "one-sided" in my thinking!

I felt very grateful that I had a record I could refer back to so that I could accurately "blame" myself for my own suffering in this case, rather than continue to hold any ill will towards my teacher for today: the very masterful, to-the-letter pizza joint.

Falling Apart at the Seems

No, that's not a typo. It's a spiritual pun that came to me today that forms a nice little shape into which I can pour my first blog of 2009.

I'm just noting that my ongoing practice of Just Resting is (finally?) allowing me to see an increasing number of those reinforced places in the fabric of my own persona and outlook that block me from seeing things as they Really Are. I guess you could say that he "seems" are falling apart and the light is filtering in.

I'm feeling a bit like Jim Carey's portrayal of Truman Burbank in The Truman Show (1998), as he clambers around the edge of the artificial world that he always thought was real but finally figures out is just a fabricated reality in a huge studio. For his entire life, the crew and staff of this show have poured endless energy into keeping the illusion going that he's living in the 'real world'. Hmmm... gonna have to re-rent that movie again!

By questioning more and more of our worldview, by tugging at loosening threads of the once machine-sewn "seems", the designer clothing of our illusory reality starts to break down. The clothing of our egos starts to fray. Can we tolerate the internal anxiety? Can we stop fighting this evolutionary process and insisting on sewing these "seems" back up with the needle of fear and the thread of comfort? If we can, we will eventually see our True Nature: Naked, Unclothed, Free.

Here's an example of a "seem" that ripped for me just the other day. A co-worker who happens to push my buttons REALLY easily was working with me in close quarters on a project. "Hey, you can do it a lot quicker by doing it this other way," I pointed out, feeling the pressure of the upcoming deadline. Smiling, he took an even LONGER route around the software, as if delighting in seeing me fluster up as he refused to submit to my control patterns.

I've seen him do this in the past, and have walked out of the room sometimes due to his "seemingly" uncooperative and oppositional behavior -- steam coming out my ears. But this time. This time: I caught it. I paid attention to everything going on. I saw that he was actually GRINNING as he ignored my suggestion and went to a length to "rip my seems," so to speak. I also saw that I wanted to make things go faster to put an end to my fear that we would not finish on time. He, however, was much more in the moment and just enjoying the process.

"You're just doing that to yank my chain, aren't you?" I noted incredulously, a smile breaking out on my own face.

"What me? Would I do that?" he replied, breaking out into a cackle. If we were 13 I would have punched him in the arm, hard. Even so, I was grateful and delighted.

He was giving me a zen pointing out instruction, right there! We both laughed really hard. I was free of that frustration pattern with him. I had let go. It felt good.

So I'm learning... the louder the ego shouts out about something, the more it's a sign that it's a time to reconsider how things "seem." Perhaps that's not how things really are. Perhaps?

As we slow down the reactive processes through regular practice of some form of letting the mind rest, we gain capacity to challenge the familiar, well-justified patterns of our "I-sense" and look again with other eyes.

My experience is that this increasing contact with this unified field makes it safer and safer for the ego to simply stand down and to let things "fall apart at the seems." It's worth it!

Sew Be It!

Dharma Walker